Fatherhood Rewritten: Why am I rewriting it?

Hi! My name is Vilzu, and I am on a journey to become the father I never had. This blog will follow my journey from a kid surviving through stormy childhood, to being the best possible dad for my daughter.  

I am just a few days away from turning 30. I live in a small one-bedroom apartment with my beautiful wife, my grumpy cat and of course with my 2,5-year-old daughter. She is the most important thing in my life. I hope that writing about my past and tracking my own fatherhood will help me be the best I can be. That's what they deserve, the best. That’s why I started this blog. This is my first blog, so I apologize the quality of writing. It will get better, I promise. Thank you for joining me on this journey!

 

Parenting with a broken childhood

During pregnancy I really began to think about my own childhood. I started to realize that I never had a role model when I was a kid. I started to ask myself: What makes a good father?

As I said in the very first sentence, I am on a journey to become the father I never had. I do have a father. Actually, I have had multiple candidates for that position throughout my life. First one is of course my biological father. I do love him, and he loves me and my siblings. He does love my daughter, his only grandchild. He is probably the strongest person I know. That’s why it feels kind of bad to list the things I learned from him about fatherhood, and the list is the opposite of what I experienced in my childhood:

•        Don’t be a drug addict
•        Stay out of jail
•        Work hard to provide for your family
•       Create a safe environment for your kids
•        Always be there for your kids

The list also applies to my mother. To my father’s credit, he fought these demons to the best of his abilities. After years, he made it back to our lives. That’s why I’ll add one more point to the list:

•       Never stop fighting for your family

When I was five or six years old, me, my younger brother and a baby sister got taken into custody. Me and my brother were taken to children’s home, and my sister was placed in a foster family. After that none of us never lived with our parents again.

By then, I really hadn’t got that great father and son experience, and now I was going to live in an environment without a father figure. Children’s homes (at least the one we got placed) are filled with kids and teenagers with similar backgrounds. What was common with all of us was that our parents were not able to take care of us. We slept in big rooms with other kids, ate together, cleaned our rooms, played outside and prayed. It was a mixture of daycare and poor placement of “normal” family life. It wasn’t that bad, and of course they tried their best to help us. They gave us daily routines, food, shelter and took care of us. It just wasn’t a home.

After few months we were placed in the same foster family with our sister. After six months we got back to the children’s home, so no father lessons for me. After few more visit in different foster families and children’s home, I finally was placed to the family where I feel I belong. I was a teenager at that time. I spent all my time with friends and hobbies. I never had realized that I finally got real parents. Parents who take care of you, talk to you, feed you and always want to help. Well, I think I realized it on some level, just didn’t realize how extremely grateful I should be for it.

Fast forward to 2021. I was going to be a dad. My childhood was revolving around my mind. How can I be a great dad, when I didn’t even know what a great dad is? Of course, my latest dad candidate is a great dad, but I hadn’t really absorbed any fatherhood tips from him. I was about a jump into massive shoes of being a father to someone. Except I didn’t have the shoes, I needed to buy a pair. But I had no money, so I had to make the shoes myself.

 

Stepping into shoes of fatherhood

I began to make the shoes. What color would they be? What material should I use? What if I break them?

Quite quickly I realized that I didn’t know how to make these shoes. I didn’t have enough experience to look up to. Me and my wife tried to suck every bit of information about raising a child during the pregnancy. We knew that the first year will be difficult and tiring. We had a quite good idea what to expect when our daughter was finally born. Oh boy, we were so wrong. The level of fatigue was much greater than we expected.

After two and a half years, after five moves from a home to another and after many sleepless nights we are where we are today. In the last twelve months the fatigue is finally disappearing. As things are getting a little more stable, I decided to start writing. I think it might be good to break my past into parts and process it by writing it down. I also want to write about my growth as a father as life goes on.

This blog will contain:

•        My experiences from broken childhood and how they shape my journey as a father
•        My process of growing into a best possible dad through trial and error
•        Thoughts about family life in general
•        Tips how to keep going

And much more. Is there a topic you would like me to dive into?

Thank you so much for reading my first post! Writing and publishing this was way beyond difficult, but extremely rewarding at the same time.

I would love to hear your thoughts about my first post! If you’ve faced similar challenges or just want to share your thoughts about fatherhood (or motherhood!), drop a comment below. Let’s build a conversation and grow as a parent together.

 

-Vilzu